Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
Christopher Moore
Language: English
Pages: 444
ISBN: 0380813815
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
The birth of Jesus has been well chronicled, as have his glorious teachings, acts, and divine sacrifice after his thirtieth birthday. But no one knows about the early life of the Son of God, the missing years -- except Biff, the Messiah's best bud, who has been resurrected to tell the story in the divinely hilarious yet heartfelt work "reminiscent of Vonnegut and Douglas Adams" (Philadelphia Inquirer).
Verily, the story Biff has to tell is a miraculous one, filled with remarkable journeys, magic, healings, kung fu, corpse reanimations, demons, and hot babes. Even the considerable wiles and devotion of the Savior's pal may not be enough to divert Joshua from his tragic destiny. But there's no one who loves Josh more -- except maybe "Maggie," Mary of Magdala -- and Biff isn't about to let his extraordinary pal suffer and ascend without a fight.
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Think the poison would work quickly enough. I could only get a drop of poison on my finger when I loosened my sari. I knew it would keep him down, I just wasn’t sure it would put him down.” “Well, you are truly a magus, now, Biff. I’m impressed.” “Joshua, you healed a hundred people today. Half of them were probably dying. I did some sleight of hand.” My friend’s enthusiasm was undeterred. “What’s the red stuff, pomegranate juice? I can’t figure out where you concealed it.” “No, actually I.
Don’t, and you’re still following him?” “I am not saying he’s not a great prophet, but the Christ? the Son of God? I don’t know.” “You’ve traveled with him. Heard him speak. Seen his power over demons, over people. You’ve seen him heal people. Feed people. And what does he ask?” “Nothing. A place to sleep. Some food. Some wine.” “And if you could do those things, what would you have?” Here Simon leaned back and looked into the stars, as he let his imagination unroll. “I would have villages.
Head. “Stop helping.” By the sheer mass of the crowd we were able to get Joshua out of the Temple and through the streets to Joseph of Arimathea’s house. Joseph let us in and led us to the upper room, which had a high arched stone ceiling, rich carpets on the floors and walls, piles of cushions, and a long low table for dining. “You’re safe here, but I don’t know for how long. They’ve already called a meeting of the Sanhedrin.” “But we just left the Temple,” I said. “How?” “You should have.
Weren’t allowed to be around people until the next day. Around the age of thirteen I spent a lot of time in and out of our mikveh, but I fudged on the solitary part of penance. I mean, it’s not like that was going to help the problem. Many a morning I was still dripping and shivering from the bath when I met Joshua to go to work. “Spilled your seed upon the ground again?” he’d ask. “Yep.” “You’re unclean, you know?” “Yeah, I’m getting all wrinkly from purifying myself.” “You could stop.”.
I was asking the eternal dimwit of them all. Still… “No, he just wasn’t concerned with results,” said the angel. “The Lord had hardened Pharaoh’s heart against letting the Jews go. We could have dropped oxen from the sky and he wouldn’t have changed his mind.” “That would have been something to see,” I said. “I suggested that it rain fire,” the angel said. “How’d that go?” “It was pretty. We only had it rain on the stone palaces and monuments. Burning up all of the Jews.